No Kids at Wedding When Family Has Lots of Kids

Parenthood was once idea to be inevitable — a destiny — for healthy fertile adults.

No more. Many people are opting out, a life choice that still provokes argue.

The number of babies born in the U.Southward. final year savage to the lowest level in 32 years, with younger women especially having fewer kids. Americans are now having fewer children than information technology takes to replace the population, a trend mirrored in other countries.

It doesn't surprise Amy Blackstone, a folklore professor at the Academy of Maine and author of the new book, "Childfree by Choice: The Movement Redefining Family unit and Creating a New Age of Independence."

She and her hubby Lance decided not to have children years ago after simply not feeling the pull towards parenthood. They check in with each other every yr to make certain they're still both on board most opting out. Famous women who've also made the choice include Ina Garten, Cameron Diaz and Helen Mirren.

Amy and Lance Blackstone got married in 1995. For years when people asked her when she was going to have kids, she responded, "I'm non prepare yet." Only so she realized she merely didn't want children. Courtesy Amy Blackstone

For her book, Blackstone interviewed seventy child-gratis men and women and surveyed more than 700 well-nigh their experiences. She establish women yet feel the brunt of the stigma.

"Men sort of become a pat on the back and there's more joking about, 'Aren't yous lucky that yous dodged this bullet?'" Blackstone, 47, told TODAY.

"Whereas for women, it's the, 'Oh, you poor thing, I can't believe you're missing out on the most meaningful feel that a woman can have. You must be and so lamentable and solitary.'"

Hither are eight more of her findings:

one. Many of the elevation reasons for skipping parenthood are especially true for millennials

Blackstone: The cost of living and having a baby — we know that's a particularly difficult issue for millennials who are facing all kinds of college debt. Certainly, having a child has an affect on the environment and I know that'due south a reason that millennials take shared for their choice.

Other pinnacle reasons include the desire for autonomy, spontaneity, freedom and the power to travel.

2. Many child-gratuitous people want to focus on the relationships they already take

Blackstone: This quote from a 44-year-old married woman resonated for me: "I worry that if I had a child I'd become a terrible partner because I'd be and then focused on being a expert parent."

This doesn't mean child-free people necessarily have perfect relationships or meliorate relationships than parents. But in my own case, I practice recognize that I would be giving something up in terms of my ability to feel close with my partner and nurture that relationship.

iii. It'due south non a 'selfish' selection

Blackstone: In 2015, Pope Francis said, "The choice to non take children is selfish."

If we're going to put that label on the child-gratuitous, and so it'southward a label that needs to exist shared across any grouping of people who've made a choice about the life that they know is right for them.

But isn't that what we're all doing? Even parents, if you inquire them why they had children, would tell you that they wanted kids because that's the life that they envisioned for themselves.

Alternatively, nosotros can choose to abandon the "selfish" label and decide information technology'south OK for people to brand a life choice that is best for them, whether that exist parenthood or non-parenthood. Maybe neither choice is selfish.

There's an impression that child-free people don't give dorsum, or aren't giving to their communities or making a divergence in the world. Frankly, nothing could be further from the truth. Nosotros know from research that the child-costless are involved in their communities — they're most as likely every bit parents to volunteer.

4. Many child-gratis people do like kids

Blackstone: A quarter of the child-free people I interviewed actually chose careers that require them to be involved and make a difference in children's lives. Many of them are teachers, social workers, pediatricians. There are all kinds of ways the child-costless are engaged in kids' lives and made a pick to do that.

Some child-free people don't similar children and in that instance, the last thing we desire to do is button them into becoming parents.

5. Child-costless people don't have regret downward the road

Blackstone: I have not talked with anyone who feels regret virtually their choice.

I have had family members who I know have been worried for me, just we should accept when people tell usa they don't want to accept children. Parenthood is a function that is best fulfilled when it's one that'due south chosen. It takes a lot to exist a good parent and then if somebody doesn't feel that pull, that'south perfectly OK.

6. Child-gratuitous people are fulfilled and happy

Blackstone: When people say we are missing out on something, that'south absolutely truthful. But I would also turn information technology around and say information technology's possible that parents are missing out on some aspects of the lives that child-free people bask. We can't do it all — it's impossible to have every life experience.

And so yes, we will miss some experiences, only I don't think that considering that is true, that it necessarily follows we're unhappy. I'thou very happy with my decision. My husband and I take a life that we love.

The Blackstones scuba dive in Roatan. "I incertitude I would accept been capable of balancing motherhood with the sort of connexion with my partner that I desire," Amy Blackstone writes in her new book. Courtesy Amy Blackstone

7. 'Who will intendance for you in onetime age?' and 'Won't you lot be lonely?' are questions for everyone

Blackstone: These are questions that we all should exist thinking about as nosotros age, whether we accept children or non.

In terms of the child-gratuitous, many have been creating a nest egg to help them be able to provide for themselves in their sometime historic period. And nosotros're seeing more and more examples of "The Golden Girls"-style living where older adults are sharing households with each other.

It'due south a mistake to assume having children means one will have a person to care for them in their old historic period. Not every adult child cares for their crumbling parents, enquiry shows.

viii. A child-free household is a family

Blackstone: I would honey it if nosotros came to understand that the kid-free have families. I count my husband and me equally a family.

Child-gratis families fulfill the same functions that families with children do. We create households as a safe space that provides an emotional connectedness and an opportunity to recharge. We engage in "social reproduction," which involves annihilation that people do to help rear the next generation. For the kid-free, that means being mentors and friends to children.

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Source: https://www.today.com/health/why-aren-t-millennials-having-kids-8-insights-child-free-t155804

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